Happy Birthday to my husband..

It’s been a while since I have updated the blog.  I hope to start getting back into it and doing it more often. It seems to be very therapeutic for me for some reason. It is not at all that I want to “air my dirty laundry” because that is not the point of this blog. The whole reason behind it was to share my , well “our” story to help encourage other spouses who are going through the same thing.  Through this crazy ride out of the military, I have found many families who are going through similar situations and it is nice to have someone who understands, someone who just “gets you”.

Today is my husband’s 30th birthday! The big 3-0!! Matt spent many birthdays either training or in another country. We have only been able to celebrate his birthday together a few times. I am very thankful that we are able to celebrate his birthday. There were a lot of close calls, a lot of nights of praying that God would protect my husband and bring him home. To some a birthday is just another day, which in some ways it is but I also believe that it’s another time to celebrate another year, another year of survival.  Today, I want to celebrate my husband and encourage him to keep pushing through. A lot of times, myself included we can focus on all the negative aspects of our spouse and to a lot of Veteran spouses it seems that we have more bad days than good, more moments of tears and anger than the whole ” mooshy gooshy love”.  Today I wanted to share a note to my husband on his birthday.

Matt-One of the first things that made me fall in love with you was your bright smile and vibrant personality. You were not shy by any means. You also have a heart for others. You don’t like to admit it but I know you would give the shirt off your back to anyone in need.  You don’t need a “thank you” or recognition for it, you would just do it. You have always encouraged me to follow my passions and dreams. No matter what it was that I wanted to do or try, you have always been my biggest fan. You have always taken the time to help me with my business, if that means being my second shooter, making props, or just listening to my dreams.  You have always been there for me.  I never realized how much I could possibly love you until the day that I gave birth to our son, I will never forget how proud you were and you had the biggest smile on your face.  You are the best at being a dad. You always make sure to take time to do family activities and you take personal time with Camden. You always encourage him and give him endless love. I can’t wait to see you with our baby girl. I want to thank you for all you do for us even though sometimes I can complain more than praise you for it.  I hope you have a great 30th babe! I love you so much and I am so thankful that you are here today.  I know that our life isn’t always “perfect” but that doesn’t exist. I love this crazy beautiful ride and look forward to seeing where all it takes us.

 

 

 

What I am missing..

I haven’t written in a while. Life has been busy around here since I started back work and we are now “expecting” an addition to our family. Yes, we are adding to our crazy life!  I have been extremely sick, I have to give it to my husband who has taken care of everything around the home including me lately. Thanks boo!

So it maybe the hormones talking but lately I find myself in a place of “displacement”.  I mean we live near my family and friends who I have known all my life. This town is where I grew up. I usually see at least one person I know on a trip to the grocery store. But still I feel as if I don’t belong.  I find myself going through past photos of us back in Jacksonville, NC. I am filled with so many happy memories but yet sad ones. Now, I don’t miss Jacksonville. I don’t. The town really had only tattoos and bars to offer. But deep down I am missing something, it is like a part of me is not here any more.  I find it hard to make new friends. I find it hard to may a connection to anyone really.  I don’t miss Matt being deployed or his work ups but I do miss those girl bonding times. The times where we could put on some N’SYNC and dance around an open fire. The times where I just had a horrible day at work but I knew at the end of the day I would be with my girls sipping on some wine as we all complained about the day. I miss counting down the days but filling them with memories such as a beach day,a trip to Wilmington, going to get a milkshake from Sonic late at night.. I miss just us being there for each other.  It’s like I don’t know how to function in this civilian life. It has been over 2 years since we got out but still I feel as though I haven’t adjusted.  I miss the “camaraderie”.  (The definition of this word is: mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together.   It is a spirit of good friendship and loyalty among members of a certain group.  ) When being around the same group of people for seven months at a time , you really become dependable on them and you do form this trust that is hard to find anywhere else.  The amount of respect and loyalty I have for my girls who I literally survived getting through war with is hard to measure. I don’t think I will ever have this amount of trust or respect for anyone else.  I wish I could just say to myself that it is over, you are not a part of this anymore and to move on.  I have a hard time doing this. I miss them so much and I just miss the understanding we all had in each other. The things that we endured together most people don’t ever endure in their lifetime. Heck most people still don’t realize that we have went through war in the past few years. Matt and his buddies often joke about one day living in a community together. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind that at all. The love that we have for each other is hard to find anywhere else. There is just an unspoken understanding for each other.  I always thought that getting out would be this wonderful thing. I thought it would come a long with this feel of freedom but it has left me with this feeling of being lost and not knowing where to turn.

How We Keep The Flame…

One of my friend’s ask me how I manage time between the hubs and my son. I have listed some tips that may help if you feel that you are not sure how to keep the love life alive with also keeping the baby alive!
Set a time that is just for you and your spouse.

– For Matt and I this is usually when Camden goes to bed. We usually put him down around 8 or 8:30 pm. We not only do this to keep him on a schedule but it is also “our time” to be together.  Sometimes we wait and cook a special dinner for just the two of us after he goes down. During this time we share what happened in our day and just really talk to each other.  I love being a mommy but I also love being a wife. We tend to forget our husbands because they can “take care” of themselves. It is easy to forget to spend time for each other but it is very important.

Date nights!!

– You know how you use to get ready for your spouse? Usually when we are welcomed into motherhood we tend to go towards the yoga pants and spit up towel look. It is easy to forget to take care of yourself must less dress up. I recommend having a date night even if it is only once a month. This gives you time as a couple to just hang out together. I know that some of you may not have family near and that is hard. When we lived in North Carolina we had the same problem but we decided to use whatever connections we had around us. This maybe asking someone you go to church with, a neighbor, a friend..someone you trust! I know it is hard to leave little ones, you feel guilty but remember your spouse needs your time just as much!  Even if it is only to go to dinner for an hour it is nice to get a way and reconnect! I read once in a book ” Date nights are way cheaper than divorces..” If you are tight on a budget, save some money aside to go on a date night even if it is a cheap one! It doesn’t really matter where you go as long as you are together. (haha I know that’s sounds pretty corny but it is true!!)

Do something your spouse likes to do!

– A few weeks ago Matt took me shooting. He had wanted to take me shooting for a while but I wasn’t really about it. When we finally went , we had fun and he enjoyed “teaching” me something. It does go both ways, sometimes I have Matt tag along to go see a “love story” movie. He doesn’t really want to but he does it and we have fun!  I also watch sports with Matt. I didn’t grow up watching sports and even now I probably could go without them but I have learned that he really enjoys when I sit down with him WITHOUT complaining about the game. Again, he also watches “The Real Housewives” with me so it goes hand in hand.

Take time to listen to your spouse!

As women we sometimes are better at talking than listening. Take time to just “listen” to what your husband has to say. I have learned that the more that I take time to listen without saying anything the more that he will open up to me. I have found this true about hearing his “war stories”. When he shares with me I have to able to listen without judging him.

Love your spouse even at their worst. Matt and I have had our share of bad times. Marriage is never perfect .The one thing that I have learn is no matter what to continue to love them. I can not control what my husband does but I can control my actions towards him. This is no means to let someone run over you, if you are in an abusive situation than you should reach out for help.

I encourage you to just “love” your spouse no matter what you are going through right now. Love can be an amazing tool!

xoxo
Cortney

The Guilt

“It’s not your fault”,my husband said as tears started running down my face.  He continued by saying, ” We all knew there would be a chance we wouldn’t come home.”  I took him and hugged him. The pain hurts as if it was yesterday that I heard the news. I don’t know when this pain will go away or if it ever will. Everyday I live with guilt. I don’t know if that will ever go away either. I live with guilt that my husband survived his deployment. I know that makes me sound like a crazy person. Not that I would in a million years want anything to happen to my husband that is not what I am saying.  Throughout his deployment I received multiple letters saying how he had stepped over IEDs (google it) and don’t know how they didn’t go off. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me that I continue to relive the past. I often think of the day when all of us girls were just laying by the pool, we were going to have a girls night, we got dressed up and had some fun out on the town. Some may say we had a little too much fun but we couldn’t alway sit home all depressed missing our husbands. That night was fun. We didn’t  know that two days later one of us would loose a husband , one of our own and our lives would change forever.  That same day, two days prior to the event my friend “Kate” showed us her homecoming outfit. It was adorable, she was beaming as she talked about it. We were all just ready for it to be over by this point it was June and they were to return home shortly. The countdown was on and was real.  My friend Beth and I worked in the same preschool classroom. The day of June 10, 2010 I will never forget.  Beth had got a message on her phone. She slipped out of the classroom to check it I remember her coming back in with this face. I really can’t explain the face but it had pain in it. She looked at me while she grabbed her things and said “Grab your things we are leaving”.  I asked her multiple times what was going on. My heart sunk as I didn’t know what dreadful news would follow. She took my hand and we went into the hallway by the doors, the words that came out of her mouth made my heart stop in my tracks. We got in the car as I tried to compose myself to call the other girls to let them know. From then the day is a little blurry .I do remember three of us along with Beth’s husband.  What would we say to her? Was it selfish that I was thinking of  my husband and if he was okay? What do I do?  When we got to her home, she was sitting on the couch. I will never forget that face. It was a face of “nothing”. I remember her asking about if I had talked to Matt and if he was okay. We all sat there in silence.  On the table sat a box, a box she was going to send out to him. It was real. The war was real.  I mean I thought before that moment in my mind it was “real” but I guess it wasn’t.  It happened to one of us. It could have happened to any of us. Any of our worlds could have been turned upside down. Any of us would now be identified with our spouse’s number & “widow” on our ID. It could have happened to any of us.  Beth and I flew to California for the funeral.  It was brutal.  If you have never been to a military funeral, it is so hard to explain. There were hundreds of people there to honor him. They did roll call which made my heart skip beats.  The shots were fired.  I saw my friend with a flag in her lap. A flag that represented her husband now. I didn’t want to leave her. I wasn’t sure if she was going to make it to be honest. She was in desperate pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Her hometown friends said they would take care of her. In  my mind I was thinking, “They don’t even know..They don’t even know.”  — I don’t talk about this day a lot obviously who would want to? I think of it everyday. I try to block it in my mind as much as possible. I live everyday with a guilt. I feel I should give my friend some apology that it was her husband and not mine. I feel guilty when I get angry at my husband for something so silly. I feel guilty that we haven’t lived a marriage in the honor of theirs. We are all human I know this but I continue to punish myself.  The night my husband came home from that deployment was best night of my life to this day.  I ran to him, I held him like I had never held him before. I cried tears of joy.  We got into the car that night together we would finally be going home. I was so excited but yet my hurt ached for my friend.  Five days after my husband returned I received a text from her “Did they come home yet..” I didn’t even want to answer it. To this day when I talk to her on the phone or text I want to be normal, I truly do. I want to tell her how mad I am about something Matt did that day or just how I don’t know if I am strong enough. I think she notices sometimes and tells me to be real with her that she wants to know how I am really doing.  I don’t know if anyone else out there has ever dealt with this feeling? I know that there is something as survivors guilt but I am not sure this is the same thing? Will this ever go away I wonder?  Maybe it hurts so bad because they day we lost him I lost her too. She will never be the same. Our friendship will never be the same. I am thankful that my husband returned to me, I truly am. I just wish hers would have returned as well.  I hugged my husband last night as he tried to comfort me telling me “It’s not your fault that I came home and he didn’t. ”  I am thankful for my husband for letting me grieve especially over this subject because I know how brutal it is for him to talk about it.  For we all have scars some are jus not shown.

We miss you Gavin!

Where was I when they passed out the “How To” Guide?

I

In 2008 in a little room along with two friends (whom now I don’t even talk to) Matt & I said our vows. He had just got back from his first deployment in Iraq, he proposed to me the  next day then we got married the following day.  My parents did not know I was getting married, we eloped. To be honest we weren’t ready to get married, we didn’t know what we would be getting ourselves into. At the courthouse we said our vows, we became husband and wife. A few hours after saying our vows we did the most romantic thing, we went over to the ID center & did paperwork. I received my new SPOUSE ID . I was not identified as a dependent and Matt’s ssn represented me.  We signed paperwork which included how  much money I would get if anything happened to Matt. My immature 22 year old brain couldn’t wrap my head around anything ever happening to my now husband. During this process no one ever handed me a guide, a guide that was titled ” How To Deal With A Marine..”  ” Welcome to the Military” …Today I need a guide more than ever. Fast forward to 2010 when Matt was deploying to Afghanistan. The night he left I remember thinking “Everything is going to be fine.”  I noticed a difference in my husband’s eyes as he stayed busy that early morning before the send off. He seemed a little on edge. Matt had told me that this deployment was going to be big. He didn’t give any details besides that, I am not sure if they even understood what was bout to happen. He left a note for me that simply said ” Something big is about to happen. I love you.”   During the next seven months I can count on my fingers how many times we actually talked. Most of our communication was via written letters. When he did call it was choppy & we only had a few minutes to talk.  That deployment was HELLISH. I did watch some videos online that I had found with Matt & some of his unit in them. They were in fire fights etc. As I watched I knew obviously it was real but it didn’t feel real. I counted down the days until I would see his face again. I desperately prayed that God would return him. Every night I fell asleep just pleading God that no one would walk up to my door with the news, the dreadful news…  That deployment a group of us girls went through an emotional roller coaster together, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we became sisters… One’s husband was injured & sent home.  That was scary stuff seeing her frightened by the news and wanting to just “fix it” while also worrying about your spouse. Then the month we all bought our homecoming outfits, another lost her husband. I wish they had a book for that to, the memory of  her face just hours after she got the news still haunts me to this day.  My husband lost brothers, my husband experienced things I can’t wrap my head around if I could try. I try to be  understanding but it’s hard.  Like I shared in my first post,  it seemed to get worse after the military. He seemed to feel lost, he wasn’t really sure why and I didn’t understand either. The brotherhood my husband shares is something I do not and will not every understand. As crazy as it sounds if there was going to be war tomorrow and someone called my husband to go I think he would jump at the opportunity. For me as his wife and mother of his child it is hard to understand that. Again, no one gave me a book, a guide.. I have tried to research issues that I have in our marriage that are linked to PTSD, I tried to remind myself that my husband is a changed man and will always be. Sometimes I find myself angry at the government for what they do to these men. The psychological effect on them will last a lifetime and their families are left to clean up the mess. It’s hard, its real hard. I don’t feel strong enough most of the time. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me because I don’t understand, he would be able to have his freedom do what he pleases. Everyday  I get to see my husband, feel his touch, and hear his voice. I never dreamed for a moment that I would want out of this marriage because it is “hard”.  My grandmother put it to me one day as “If he had Cancer would you leave?” I replied ” Well no”. She said that our vows included sickness and in health, oh our vows? Yeah the ones we took in 2008, sometimes I forget those vows when I get angry and I have a list of all the wrongs he has done to me. I bring those to battle every time. Oh the vows that said that you would stick by your partner to death to us part? Well whoever wrote his obviously didn’t realize how hard marriage actually is? It is hard, and I feel ours is extra hard. Can I get an Amen?? Being a Marine wife is hard, being a Veteran wife is real hard. I talk to wives daily and the most thing I hear from wives is the disconnection they feel to their spouse. It is painful to watch to suffering that wives go through due to something we did not do. There is some missing link between being in and getting out that the government has failed out. Too many are committing suicide, too many feel lost, anxious.. too many marriages are failing, too many children are hearing yelling, too many wives are crying, too many moms are burying their children, too many flags are put on coffins, too  many brothers need each other but are miles a part.. There are TOO MANY!!  I wish I had a how to book, I wish I had a guide.. My husband has notebooks in our garage that have many strategies in them. None of these are on the strategies to keep your marriage in tact or yourself alive.  Where is that at?  If there is anyone who knows the secret code let me know because I am clueless. All I know is everyday I choose to put my big girl undies on and “love my husband”.  Love my husband in all his broken-ness. Loving him like I did when I prayed for him to come home to me. Loving him, despite all the wrongs, despite all the fights, despite all the issues we now face. Remembering those vows I took in 2008 to love my husband through it all, the good and the bad.. If you are going through a rough patch in your marriage and you feel you are alone..You are not. You are never alone in this. Stay strong and keep “loving.”.

-Cortney-

Thankful for Chaos..

I have to say these past few days have felt a little off-balance. Still looking at it , I am not sure why.  It seemed everything my husband did was just irritating, I am not going to lie. I just felt “annoyed”.  I even text my friend who gets my humor with “I want to stab my husband”.    My whiney and determined toddler was raring on my patience. He hasn’t slept through a night in about a week. We aren’t sure what this is about but it can really make you tired. I found myself just in a place where I just wanted to throw my hands up saying  “Can we have one day without bickering, one day without a toddler whining, seriously what is the deal here!! ”  I found myself just in a lather of “self”. I “feel” this way, Matt makes me “feel” this way, why can’t I just have a “normal” marriage?  If I were to be honestly, it is hard to accept that my husband came back a different man. The husband I put on the bus in 2010 came home a different man. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say “why why why”.. I was acting just as much as  my whiney toddler. Then Saturday night something happened, I was putting my son to sleep which to be honest since he has been fighting sleep, I dreaded it. I was laying there with him waiting for him to drift off. His eyes finally closed and as he lied there sleeping I started to cry. Something hit me, “The is what you have always wanted, remember when you dreamed of being a mommy? Having someone who needed you?” It’s true, I remember praying that I would become a mommy, the million times I had crossed my fingers while peeing on a stick, crying one day thinking that maybe we would never be parents.”  Who am I to now be so whiney because everything isn’t perfect? Who am I to be so selfish to forget how important my job of being a mommy is even if it is tiring and testing at times.  I laid there in bed with him for a few more minutes with tears running down my face.  It also hit me that I  have two friends whom are widows. I do believe they would give anything right now to be able to say their spouse “annoyed” them.  My husband came home to me and with all his limbs.In the midst of my emotions I started to feel like a big donkey behind to say it nicely. In the midst of this chaos, my chaos I started to realize how truly lucky I am. How easily it is to take for granted day after day. I don’t want to take it for granted, but it is so easy to. I mean we all do that everyday. We take so much for granted, hey it is so much easier to complain than to be grateful. I mean look at your Facebook news feed, I bet that 90% off it is negative or someone complaining. I have to even admit when my husband does something that irritates me I am more prone to call my friend to complain than when he does something sweet for me. Everyday I have to continue to remind myself how lucky I am to wake up to a healthy toddler and my husband who thankfully made it home when some didn’t.  If you get anything out of this blog posts, I hope it is just to remember in the midst of all your chaos, how great it is to have “chaos”.  Be thankful for it even if it isn’t the perfect situation or what you dreamed about.

Hello, Why didn’t someone warn me?!??

I guess I should start my first blog by introducing myself & my family?!? Okay, well I’m Cortney, my husband is Matt, our mini human is Camden , he is 2 1/2. I’m not really sure why I need to say the 1/2 but to a lot of people it makes a difference so… We have a Golden Retriever named Carly…To give our back up story in a short sum I will just say that my husband was in the USMC (If you don’t know what that means you may not be the person to read this blog) He deployed four times within 5 years of our marriage, well one was in Jordan so I wouldn’t technically call it a deployment but it was for a few months. In 2010 he was in a  combat deployment, (Maybe in another insert we will talk about this. ) He got out in 2013…I was like wow!! This is going to be amazing , seeing my husband everyday, getting to actual plan vacations, I mean getting out was going to mean no one OWNED US anymore, we were FREE!! Well, I wish there was someone somewhere who would have given me a little talk before we left those gates for the last time! Getting out of the military has been a pretty rough transition not only for my husband but for myself as well. I mean no one schooled me on how to deal with PTSD (I mean the real kind not that dumb booklet they gave us with a  cartoon where everyone hugged at the end, that IS NOT REAL LIFE!! ) No one informed me that the PTSD would really show up AFTER the MILITARY. I mean I saw some differences in my husband but to be honest his job was stressful so I didn’t really thin much of it & most of the time he was gone.  PTSD, don’t you just love that LABEL, I mean it is it is a LABEL . When you say that word I think a lot of people automatically think “crazy”, maybe someone who can’t function around others or gets upset easily. I think some of these are the stereotypes?? I mean when you are IN you don’t say you have it, you just don’t and if you do I mean you won’t be doing your job most likely & NO ONE is really going to try to help you, just give you some meds to get a long. I wish someone would have just said your marriage is about to be more chaotic than it was during deployments. If I was to read this when my husband was deployed I would probably want to slap the person to be honest. Every time Matt was gone, I hated being lonely,  having to do all the bills on my own, take care of the house, the dog & just have a husband who was always gone. It takes a toll on a person no matter how many times they say,” I support my husband,blah blah,” yeah you do support your husband but that doesn’t mean you are in love with what he is doing.  No one informed me that I would possible “MISS THE MILITARY” when we got out? Say what?? MISS IT?? Heck I thought I would be so happy the day I didn’t have to meet a new wife with only the words ” What rank is your husband” to follow the “hello”.  I thought I couldn’t wait to be out of the town of tattoos, bars, & cadiness   ( yeah I misspelled it SUE ME! ) Of course I don’t miss any of that but I think deep down there is a part I miss. Maybe having other people around you that just understood you?? When your husbands are going for 7 months, pretty much all you have to depend on is the wives around you. I never moved home when Matt deployed, I always stayed around & if it weren’t for the wives around than I don’t know what I would have done. The military is a family, it becomes your family. You may hate going to all those “MANDATORY FAMILY DAYS” but there was always something about being around people whose husband also cursed too much, drank too much, said inappropriate things & no one cared?? No one really JUDGED you! We all lived the same life!  Now that we are “out” I find that my friends who are still “in” are far and in between. Our friendship has slowly drifted, I am not sure if it is because maybe deep down I envy that family they are still a part of or if they envy that we are “free”, I dunno it just isn’t the same anymore. Usually if I try to talk to them about issues we are dealing with it’s like what?? I mean how could your husband be good while in then get out & be cray ?? It does’ t make since??  I found myself in a place where I thought my marriage was the only one that was “different”. No one understood, its like I had to explain over & over to people why Matt is a certain way, I would have to bring up our friend Gavin who died & try to explain to people how  HELLISH our 2010 deployment was for them to only just fully not understand. To them it’s over, the war is over so get over it!! Well, I am sure if he could he would opt to… It wasn’t into I made a Facebook page for the wives to see if ANYONE could relate, that I realized I am not alone. Usually I hear the SAME stories from wives over & over. It’s pretty scary but in a way it makes me feel better. It makes me feel better that I’m not going through this crazy new life alone. I’m not the only one who puts up with more than most people would. I’m not the only one who sees the broken  man in my husband that I just want to “fix” but honestly it will never be “fixed”.   So here is my first insert, if you like what you read & can relate than I more where this came from!!  Please know if you are out there today & feel alone you aren’t. Keep Pushing & don’t take anything personal that your husband does because it’s not, it’s not you even if that is hard to see!

-Cortney- ( our family)